I am Grateful

I've gotten a call every day this week from Whittier because Dad is trying to jump the fence. I cringe when I hear the phone ring. He is not having a great week.

So, as soon as my Yoga teacher had us sit still and cross-legged with our eyes closed today, I could feel emotion well up inside me. That's been happening a lot lately in Yoga, although less and less as time goes on. The minute I sit still and look inside myself I start to feel the sadness from losing Nana and the frustration from Dad's situation. My teacher told us to have compassion in our hearts and asked what and who we were grateful for. Then with my eyes still closed, I smiled. I am very Grateful.

I am grateful to have Blake, Megan and my Mom. I am grateful to still have Papa. I am grateful to have so many family and friends who are so supportive. I don't write this blog for sympathy. I write it for therapy and for the wonderful support that has poured from our family and friends. I am grateful for your support.

I also write this blog for the few friends and family that my Dad has left. Unfortunately he never really nurtured his relationships as the years went by. He had a dysfunctional family growing up and had a difficult time developing strong family ties. He was separated from family members for years. Grudges were held and many family members didn't talk for years and some still don't talk. I haven't seen my half brother in 20 years and have NEVER met my Dad's brother. I am not pointing blame at anyone... they are all at fault, including my Dad... but so many years have gone by... does it really matter anymore? What I find sad is that these relationships can never really be mended because of my Dad's disease. Even the relationships that never turned sour just became distant because unfortunately my Dad was not good at picking up the phone.

If my Dad hadn't turned things around the last 12 years, he wouldn't have much of a relationship with Me and Megan either. I always said that my parents divorce was the best thing that could have happened for our relationship with our Dad. As he got older and less angry he started to soften and reach out to people. I spent most of my childhood afraid of him, but by the time I was 15 or 16, we became friends. I say friend because he wasn't really an authoritative father figure. He kind of lost that right, but we had a relationship and that's what mattered. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. He was sweet and stubborn and a part of our lives. Now it seems he is a bit too much a part of our lives, but it's ok.

The reason I bring all this up is because this past week my Dad has been living in his memories of 20 or even 40 years ago. He keeps talking about all "his people" in Pasadena. There's really no one there anymore. He feels such a closeness to them even though he hasn't talked to many of them in a long time. Most people have moved on, or passed away. It's kind of sad and he wouldn't understand, so I can't really explain it to him.

There are people who are following this blog that have meant a lot to my Dad in his life. My sister Kelly in Oregon, cousin Darlene in Oregon, my Aunt Tammy in Northern California, Uncle Ron and Aunt Linda in Oxnard, Cousin Joyce in Georgia, and the Henning/Howell/Violi family from our Fallbrook days and so many more. I pass on your messages to him and sometimes he understands. He has a lot of people who love him and I will keep reminding him. Feel free to send him cards or pictures. He can get mail. Here is the link to his place...

http://www.whittierplaceseniorliving.com/

Good vs. Bad

Today was one of Dad's worse days in a long time. He tried to climb the fence today and when I talked to him on the phone, he hung up on me twice. So I went to Whittier. An hour later I walked away feeling bummed out. He's upset and confused and kind of seems depressed... I'll get into more of it later. (after I go to the gym for the second time today cause this situation stresses me out)!

Dad's token 'bad day' phrases:
"I have no money"
"They steal all my things"
"I want to see my people"
"I'll walk there"

He thinks he can walk to Pasadena or the ocean when in fact we all know it is really far...
Anyway, I attached two videos... one is of him on a good day with Megan and the other one is from today.

Alzheimer's is Expensive

11:00 May 19th 2010: The phone rang and it was Whittier Place. Dad had gotten out again. He didn't get far but they couldn't get him to go back inside. I was already planning to visit him that day, so I left quickly and called Megan to come as well.

We got him back inside and fed him lunch. He complains: I need a job. I don't want to garden because they already have a gardener. These people take my stuff. I have no money.

Later that day, the head of Generations Memory Care where my Dad lives called to say she needed one of us to be there with him through the night or she would have to implement 24-hour care. I freaked out! 24-hour care would cost $1700 more a month. Great. Are we going to have to move him again? And to a place that is dumpy so that he can afford it?

The next morning in a meeting with Whittier Place, I break down. We end up compromising. Megan and I are going to visit 4-5 days a week and they won't raise his rate. This is our last chance to make this place work and it will only take one bad day for my Dad to ruin it. Fingers are crossed!!

I can't help but wonder how people afford care for Alzheimer's patients. My Dad's monthly payment would have gone up to a total of $5000 if they implemented 24-hour care!!! Whittier Place is moderately priced, so some are more and some are less. There is no fixed price at these types of homes -- the cost can go up and down depending on the needs of the resident.

Has America forgotten these patients? The system definitely fails someone like my Dad who is only 70 years old and is so physically active that he jumped the fence when he ran away earlier that day. He doesn't feel like he belongs with people who are 10 or 15 years older than him and he also needs a lot of activity to keep him happy and preoccupied.

I am not saying that the staff doesn't deserve the money he pays them. Because they do deserve it. They are constantly dealing with the disease and they are bending over backwards to accommodate my Dad. He's really sweet when he wants to be. Pinching cheeks and all that.

But how do families afford to give their loved ones the quality of life that they deserve? That is a question that I can't answer and that will be haunting us for the next 10-15 years (God forbid 20) as we go through this struggle with my Dad.

The only thing I can hope for in the future is the possibility of a cure or something to slow down the disease. Stem Cell Research. It's too late for my Dad... but what about me and Megan?